Dear Spanish

Querida Español,

As of last Friday, I had decided I would write you an official break-up letter. Resigning from my position as a Spanish learner, and retreating back into a proud uni-lingual American. Quite frankly I had had enough of you making a fool out of me. The constant struggle to find the word, la palabra, to match my thoughts, mis pensados. The inability to understand, entender, the majority of my interactions with people, only ever getting a brush stroke of their life stories, the details trickling through the cracks of my synapses. The mush-like substance you have been turning my brain into. The muteness with which I greet most social situations. Like any relationship, como alguna relaciõn, where one partner is constantly feeling inferior, I felt it would do both of us a service if I just let go, solto. In the past seven weeks, siete semanas, you have built walls in my brain and my heart. You have teased me into thinking I was getting you and then just as suddenly left me all alone. You have made me doubt, me has hecho dudar, whether it is true that I am a good student who learns quickly and with ease. After years of conquering many difficult subjects, my academic ego has built a healthy self-perception. Then you come along, and shove me to the ground. You have built multiple identities in my heard, so that in any conversation I am actually having three… I am thinking in English, I am attempting to speak in Spanish, and I am simultaneously telling myself I do not know shit, no sabes nada, and I should probably just stop trying, para tratar, and what the hell is that person thinking I am saying when they give me that confused look, estas estupido?! But, as I said, my intent to resign, was just that, an intent. One thing you have taught me, una cosa me has ensañado, is how not to succeed at my intentions. And so, once again, otra vez, you win.

Instead of resigning, I have decided to change, he decidido cambiar, the terms of our relationship. When I planned to come to Mexico, you were definitely one of the reasons I came, but you were not the whole reason. I told myself, me dije, I would be looking outward and inward on this trip. That I wanted to practice my Spanish, practicar mi Español, but I also wanted to do yoga and write and relax. I wanted to have a casual relationship with you, more of the friends-with-benefits type. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to learn you, aprenderte, to understand you, entenderte, to walk away from this experience feeling like we had built a solid foundation. I realize now, that my expectations did not meet my commitment. I do not regret the approach I have taken to our relationship, but I do recognize that this approach has limited my ability to fully grow with you, crecer contigo. I realize that what I have gotten out of this relationship is casual returns. We have hade some great flirtation, but not a budding partnership. Everyday, I feel a click in some new sentence structure, but just as soon the one from the day before retreats. I have given you just enough of my time to continue to matter to me, but not enough to change me. So here we are, entonces aqui estamos.

I refuse to break-up with you forever. I still want you in my life, todavia te quiero en mi vida. I still want to understand you. But, my expectations have changed. I know now that if I really want to embody you, I must fully commit to you. I must dive in and give you all my attention, and even then, you will be hard for me. Some people say that when they learned a language, it felt like a past life was coming back to them. I am not that person. You exist nowhere in my past lives, no existas en mis pasadas vidas. I also understand now that if we are going to find a way to live together, I have to get a lot more comfortable with being wrong. I thought art would be the beast that would most challenge the perfectionist in me. But, I was wrong. It is you, estas tu. Words are my medium, and knowing that when I use your words I almost always, casi siempre, do not express my ideas as I intend silences me. I think this is going to be a long process. Slowly, slowly. Poco a poco.

I do not know what our relationship will look like when I leave Mexico., no sabes que nuestra relacion va a mirar como cuando salgo de Mexico. Will I give you any time in the states? Will I bury you deep within and reject any progress that we made? Will I plan a future getaway just for you? No matter what, you have taught me something about myself and about you. As all relationships do. So, no, I am not breaking up with you, no estoy rompiendo contigo. I am humbled by you and am willing to accept a bit of a defeat this time. But, luckily we still have more time, pero, afortunadamente, todavia tenemos mas tiempo. Maybe, by the time I am 80, I will finally know you, ya voy a saberte. Meanwhile, you can expect many confused love letters as our relationship continues to grow and change, continua crecer y cambiar. I hate that I know that many of my Spanish translations in this letter are even wrong. You really irritate me.

Muchas gracias por todo mi amor,

Jessica